This post is part of Mashable’s Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we’re celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
Human ingenuity is a wonderful thing, pushing us to new heights of innovation and learning, enabling us to experience our lives on a higher plane. And to you, whatever long-ago genius figured out food could be used for acts of self-love, we salute you.
Pop culture thanks you, too, for giving us some of the strangest, most awkward moments of cringe-inducing embarrassment comedy. For who among us hasn’t been caught by a loved one mid-thrust into a pie? Or fruit? Or, God help me, your lunch sandwich?
Here, then, for your enjoyment and enlightenment, are a handful of those moments. Proof that there is merit, perhaps even artistry, in celebrating yourself with an assist from your pantry.
But just a small warning: these clips feature nudity and masturbation so they are very NSFW, to say the least.
A pie in American Pie
It’s one of the most (in)famous moments in cinema history. Jason Biggs (aka “Jim” in the film) will forever be defined by this scene in 1999’s raunchy teen sex comedy American Pie. On a quest to lose his virginity, Jim decides one of his mother’s freshly baked apple pies would be the perfect analogue.
Why on earth he mounted the pie on top of the counter rather than taking it somewhere more private is still something that bugs me to this day. Regardless, both the scene and Biggs’ ass are seared into our brain forever.
A peach in Call Me By Your Name
This Oscar-winning coming-of-age film featured an intimate moment between America’s Sweetheart™ Timothée Chalamet and a peach. In the novel that the film was based on, the peach takes on a symbolic meaning between the two main characters, Elio (played by Chalamet) and Oliver (Armie Hammer). But the scene was changed for the film version and, as some have argued, takes something away from the pair’s relationship. Either way, it’s perhaps the most, well, artistic take on masturbating with food.
Spoiler alert: things get messy.
Lots of vegetables in Another Gay Movie
This 2006 film from Todd Stephens (The Edge of Seventeen) is something like a gay version of American Pie. A group of young men all want to lose their virginity, hilarity ensues. Michael Carbonaro gets the nod as Andy Wilson, who, much like Jim in American Pie, has his way with his mother’s foodstuff and, well, the reveal is just as awkward as you think it would be.
A grapefruit in Good Luck Chuck
No one should ever spend too much time on a film starring Dane Cook. But still it makes an appearance on this list thanks to a very brief scene in which Cook’s “Chuck” walks in on best bud “Stu” (played by Dan Fogler of Fantastic Beasts fame) going to town on a grapefruit of all things.
Frankly, given the citric acid in grapefruit, Stu is playing with literal and metaphorical fire here. But, hey, Cook never caught on as a film star and Fogler’s now a part of the Harry Potter franchise so maybe there’s something to this.
A sandwich in American Pie: The Book Of Love
This infamous moment comes in the seventh — SEVENTH!!! — film of the American Pie “franchise” and that tells you all you really need to know about, well, everything. In the film, Rob (played by Bug Hall) decides his peanut butter and jelly sandwich is just fine to violate.
Then a dog gets involved.
You’d be hard-pressed to find a way to besmirch the fond memories of the pie scene from the first Pie film but here we are.
A loaf of bread in Dirty Deeds
And, finally, before he was sent to an untimely demise by a crock pot in This is Us, Milo Ventimiglia found pleasure in a loaf of bread in the 2005 teen raunch comedy Dirty Deeds. It’s one of nine “dirty deeds” his character “Zach” needed to complete to gain infamy at his high school.
Suffice it to say, he completes the task here — no spoilers for the rest of the film, though! — without too many complications.
This is us, indeed.